Nervous system regulation is everywhere these days: breathing techniques, cold showers, grounding strategies, mindfulness. Dare I mention it… ICE BATHS! These tools are powerful, but they are not the whole story. Why? Because you can’t regulate your way out of a life that is fundamentally misaligned with who you are. The vast majority of distress that contributes towards ultimately feeling depressed or anxious is due to us living miserable lives outside of alignment with who we are as people lacking purpose, identity and meaning.
Our nervous system is designed to keep us safe. The autonomic nervous system (ANS) constantly scans for signals of safety or threat through a process called neuroception. When life feels secure and congruent, the ventral vagal system (part of the parasympathetic branch) supports calm connection, curiosity, and growth.
But when we live in chronic misalignment, whether through unfulfilling work, relationships that diminish us, or suppressing parts of ourselves, the nervous system perceives this as a persistent threat. In this state, regulation strategies can only go so far. They may soothe temporarily, but the underlying biology continues to push us into sympathetic arousal (fight-or-flight) or dorsal shutdown (numbness, withdrawal).
From a neurobiological perspective:
• Chronic stressors keep the HPA axis (hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal system) activated, releasing cortisol and adrenaline even when we try to “calm down.”
• Incongruence between values and daily life activates brain regions like the anterior cingulate cortex, which detects conflict and error—keeping us in a state of internal alarm.
• Suppression of authentic self-expression limits access to ventral vagal states of safety and belonging, making regulation strategies feel like a “plaster on a wound.”
In short, the nervous system resists settling when our life circumstances don’t match our deeper needs.
Breathwork, mindfulness, or somatic practices are not wasted, they are essential tools for calming the body. But they work best when paired with alignment: living in ways that feel authentic, purposeful, and connected. Ultimately these are distress tolerance skills, we know they work because time passes without a situation getting worse but we have to then take action to change the cause of the distress otherwise nothing changes.
When your life aligns with your values, your nervous system doesn’t have to fight so hard to keep you balanced. Regulation becomes a support, not a constant battle.
But what if I don’t know how to get back into alignment? Its a big question and will take some time, therapy can help enormously with this. There are many reasons why you might struggle to have a sense of yourself and this is where therapy can help.
You don’t need “better regulation.” You need a life that your nervous system recognises as safe, congruent, and authentic. That’s where true resilience and wellbeing come from.
• Understand your nervous system so you can distinguish between dysregulation caused by biology and the deeper signals of misalignment.
• Identify your values and needs so you can live in ways that support nervous system safety.
• Develop emotional regulation skills that work with your biology, not against it.
• Recognise patterns of avoidance, burnout, and people-pleasing that stem from chronic misalignment.
• Build a roadmap for authentic living so that regulation is no longer a daily battle but a natural state your body can access.
Chronic stress, misalignment, and emotional exhaustion can make it feel impossible to settle into a state of calm. The Eaves offers therapy that goes beyond temporary regulation techniques, helping you to understand the deeper signals from your body, clarify your values, and make choices that align with your true self. With guidance and practical tools, you can transform distress into insight and build a life that your nervous system naturally recognises as safe and fulfilling. To learn more about how therapy works and how it can support you, visit our webpage ‘What is Therapy?‘