You’re holding it all together: the job, the house, the friendships, the family stuff. You’re the one people rely on, the one who remembers everyone’s birthday, who picks up the slack at work, and sorts all the trips out when everyone else is too busy.
On the outside, you’re absolutely nailing life. But inside it’s a different story.
You’re anxious, exhausted, emotionally full-to-bursting… and somehow still feeling like you’re not doing enough.
You find yourself lying awake at 2am, running through everything you said that day. Did I upset her? Did I say too much? Did I sound stupid?
You can’t switch off. Your brain’s a constant buzz of “What if…”, “Should I have…?”, and “I forgot to…”. And the worst part is that you seem to be carrying it alone, because no one really sees what’s going on beneath the surface.
You don’t want to be a burden. You’re used to being the strong one. And if you let the mask slip (even just a tiny bit) you worry it’ll all come crashing down.
This is something I see all the time in therapy: women who look like they’ve got their act together, but inside they’re struggling to hold on.
They’ve got good jobs, caring friends, and full lives on paper. And yet inside, they’re quietly drowning in overthinking, self-doubt and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
Not because they can’t cope, but because always coping has come at the expense of their own needs, feelings, and rest.
If you’re asking yourself “why do I feel like I’m falling apart when it looks like I’m coping?”, it’s important that you know that the mask you wear was never about pretending. Once upon a time, it was protection.
At some point (often way back in childhood) you learnt that the way to stay safe, connected or accepted was to be capable. To manage your own feelings quietly. To take responsibility. To keep the peace.
Maybe you were the one who had to grow up quickly, perhaps it wasn’t safe to show emotion, or no one noticed when you were struggling. So, you simply learned to stop expecting help.
That strong, sorted version of you was a survival strategy, and you’ve carried her into adulthood because she’s helped you get through. She’s helped you succeed, hold it together, keep going.
But now she’s also what’s keeping you stuck.
Because you’re still functioning like your worth depends on it.
Because your inner critic whispers that if you stop just for a second, you’ll drop all the balls and disappoint everyone.
Because under all that holding-it-together is a backlog of unfelt stuff: sadness, fear, anger, needs you’ve had to tuck away to stay “OK”.
And when there’s no space to feel it, it will leak out through anxiety, overthinking, exhaustion or that midnight spiral of self-doubt.
So many women carry the silent pressure to be good, competent, low maintenance, emotionally contained. And it’s not because anyone sat us down and said “don’t have needs”. It’s so much more subtle than that.
It’s the emotional tone of the world we grew up in. A society where being helpful was praised, big feelings were quietly discouraged, and the message (spoken or not) was: be easy to love. Don’t take up too much space.
The world teaches women to soothe others, not ourselves. To be thoughtful, not needy. To push down our rage, our grief, our wants.
So when you feel like you’re falling apart, it’s not a personal failure. It’s a very human response to years of emotional self-abandonment in a world that’s quietly asked you to do just that.
Therapy is a space where the mask can come off, where you don’t have to explain or justify anything, and where you can reconnect with the parts of you that have been pushed aside – the soft, messy, emotional bits that also need care.
With your therapist, you can look at what’s underneath the pressure, self-doubt, guilt and fear of not coping. You can make sense of the why and find a different way forward and build a version of yourself where you don’t have to keep performing strength. One where you’re allowed to feel, rest, need, and still be deeply enough.
The Eaves Counselling and Psychology has been supporting the community for over 20 years. As a trusted professional body of Counsellors, Psychotherapists and Psychologists, we provide high-quality psychological care Monday to Saturday, from 9am to 9pm, at our practices in Guildford, Godalming, Farnham, Haslemere, and online.
Are you a business owner, or would you like more support in your workplace? The Eaves offers its own Employee Assistance Programme (EAP) for small to medium-sized businesses. Our service is simple, affordable, and gives staff instant access to our large team of in-house Counsellors and Psychologists, at a time that works for them.
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