Thoughts on grief and the empty nest syndrome

I was chatting with a friend yesterday and we touched on to the topic of students going back to university. Later in the day, Freshers Week was mentioned. This morning, while driving my youngest to school, I thought of the new faces we see en route, some clearly having just changed schools – this led me to thinking about a couple of young people we know who are going to live in halls in the next few weeks. I found myself pondering my own experience of a child ‘leaving the nest’ to be independent and the myriad of feelings I felt or continue to feel. Letting go was one of the hardest things to do and one of my greatest sources of pride, because it gave me the opportunity to witness the adult my child was forming into, while we reconfigured our relationship on a new basis. I am grateful for every snippet of time we spend together these days, honoured when my support is sought and still feel immensely sad every time I say ‘goodbye’ and ‘until the next time’.

Every situation is different and I claim no expertise outside my lived experience. There can be sadness in going through the empty nest and sadness in never getting to experience it, or you may feel something completely different. I am aware that for some it can be a source of great freedom and joy as it can feel like their life is opening up full of possibilities, while other people will be more aware of the full range of emotion, jumping from despondent to joyful. Whatever your experience, welcome and honour your feelings without judgment.

Based on my experience, I put together a graphic and a few thoughts below, on managing the experience of empty nest, that may come in handy for some:

Acknowledge your feelings. and be compassionate to yourself
Give yourself time to process, maybe take time off work and focus on your wellbeing. This may end up being a wiser and healthier decision than throwing yourself into work, especially if you find yourself having difficulties when it comes to focusing, making decisions, or being productive.
If you have a support network, use it! It is important to stay connected and to talk about your experience.
If it is all too much and you are feeling overwhelmed, then why not seek out the support of a professional? Counselling would be a great start.
If you would rather not talk, then how about a hobby? Creative pursuits are a great alternative and allow for non-verbal processing of your emotions. You could even try expressive arts therapy.

A graphic titled Empty Nest shows an owl in a nest on a branch, surrounded by green circles with words like grief, lonely, existential anxiety, depression, and emotions eased by bereavement support services Surrey.

Not the creative type? How about exercise or spending some time in nature? Did you know that Qigong is great for restoring balance and energy to both body and mind and it comes with the benefit of being kinder to your joints than high-impact forms of exercise?
Experiencing grief is normal – remember that both you and your child are transitioning your relationship and change is difficult for both of you.
Grief is like a rollercoaster so prepare for a tough ride. There is a fair bit of literature on stages, models and tasks of grief; ultimately, it is acknowledged that grief is as unique as you are. Accept and honour your process.
Worrying about them is normal. It is how you deal with your worry that counts, so this is a good time to remember that your feelings are yours and yours alone. Your child is also processing this change and they need to feel like nothing has changed and that you remain available to support them when needed. Encourage them to come and ask for your support.
Stay connected with your child: how about negotiating new boundaries, such as how often you will talk and how (texts? emails? social media? how often?) and, depending on where they are now, how often you will meet (family Sunday dinners?)
If you love them, appreciate them, are proud of them, say it! If you do not say it, they might not know it and they might not know to say it to their significant others later on, either.
What if none of this applies to me? Should I feel guilty? Am I a bad parent? No, you are not a bad parent and not everyone experiences difficulties letting go of their child and reconfiguring a healthy adult – adult relationship. If you are among this category, thank you for reading thus far!

A young person with long curly hair wearing large headphones stands against a colorful graffiti-covered wall, looking thoughtful. The background is blurred, emphasizing the vibrant street art.

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