By Maria Laskou, Counsellor and Psychotherapist at The Eaves
Compassion could be defined as our wish for others to be free of pain and suffering, so it would be fair to say that self-compassion involves acknowledging and validating our own suffering, and wanting to alleviate it. Self-compassion then, is a natural response to emotional and physical pain, since every human being has an innate desire to be free of suffering, to feel happy, and to live with a sense of ease.
Elements of self-compassion
Dr K. Neff’s, self-compassion scale incorporates six elements: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness, as opposed to: self-judgement, isolation and over-identification:
Self-kindness, the first element on Neff’s scale, could be viewed as the complete opposite to self-judgement. However, when something does not go according to plan, we usually tend to be highly self-critical and judgemental of ourselves and to put ourselves down, which can lead to feelings of guilt and inadequacy, and therefore to more emotional pain. By practicing self-kindness instead, through being gentler, more empathic and more understanding towards ourselves when something goes wrong, we could help ourselves accept our painful experiences and gradually move on from them.
Common humanity, the second element, could be incorporated into our lives by cultivating a sense that our experience is shared by others, that we are not the only ones who face difficulties and suffering. This can provide relief from feeling alone or isolated in our pain, as well as relief from feeling ashamed of our suffering.
Mindfulness, the third element of the scale, could be practiced by acknowledging, being fully aware and accepting our painful feelings in the moment, with an open and non-judgemental attitude. It could be brought into our lives by noticing the times when we are harshly criticising ourselves or isolating ourselves because of our feelings of pain and shame, and by letting them be, and gradually letting them go. Practicing mindfulness is an integral part of self-compassion, and it can help us accept our suffering without over-identifying with it, and without reacting in a way that could cause us more pain.
Self-compassion is not self-centredness or self-pity
We may think that by being self-compassionate we may appear selfish or overly self-involved, but on the contrary, self-compassion is the opposite of self-centredness. By being kind and gentle towards ourselves in the midst of our suffering, we cultivate our ability to be more accepting and understanding of the pain of others. We become more accepting of our and others’ flows which can enable us to make the changes that we wish to make without beating ourselves up during the process.
Self-compassion is not dwelling in self-pity or feeling sorry for ourselves; instead, it is the state of acknowledging and validating our suffering with a tender and loving attitude, as well as the pro-active state of taking the necessary steps —which are unique to each one of us— to alleviate our pain.
Ways that self-compassion can enhance our well-being
⁃ Self-compassion can help us accept that things may go wrong in our lives at times, that nothing is perfect, therefore it can reduce the emotional impact of these negative events or situations when they occur.
⁃ It can help us change our perspective around failure, by viewing it as an opportunity to be kinder to ourselves when we do fail, as well as an opportunity to improve ourselves in certain areas of our lives, if we feel it is needed.
⁃ Self-compassion can change the way we respond to feedback and evaluation, because it can enable us to be less afraid of criticism or rejection, and it can help us become less defensive or reactive at times when we are criticised or judged.
⁃ Self-compassion can be a helpful way to regulate our emotions, to self-soothe and to ground ourselves, by enabling us to be aware of our suffering in a non-attached and calm manner, which can enable us to observe our pain without over-identifying with it, and without letting it emotionally diminish us.
⁃ It can reduce our critical and judgemental attitude towards ourselves and our perfectionistic tendencies, by helping us accept that we are only human and that we all make mistakes, which can in turn increase our feelings of self-acceptance, contentment, and satisfaction with our lives.
To sum up
Self-compassion is a natural human response to pain and suffering and it involves acknowledging our pain and wanting to be free of it. We can practice self-compassion by being kinder and gentler towards ourselves as opposed to being self-critical when we struggle, by having an understanding that we all suffer at times and that pain is a common human experience, as well as being aware of our pain without over-identifying with it. Self-compassion has the potential to improve our well-being by lessening the emotional pain which can be caused by negative life experiences, by helping us feel less fearful of criticism, by enabling us to change our perspective around failure, as well as by helping us to self-soothe and ground ourselves at times of suffering.
If anything in this blog resonated with you and you would like to further explore the importance of self-compassion in your own life and look into some other ways that you could incorporate it in your reality, or if you want to have a discussion about other areas in your life that you would like support with, please do not hesitate to get in touch by email, text or phone.
Thank you for taking the time to read my blog, and I look forward to hearing from you.
Warm wishes,
Maria
References
Neff, K. D. (2003). Development and validation of a scale to measure self-compassion. Self and Identity, 2, 223-250.
The Eaves Counselling and Psychology
Maria Laskou, Counsellor and Psychotherapist at The Eaves, is based at our Farnham practice. To find out more about Maria, or to enquire about her latest availability, please visit her profile here
The Eaves Counselling and Psychology Ltd is a select professional body of Counsellors, Psychotherapists and Psychologists, providing high quality psychological care Monday to Saturday between 9am and 9pm from our practices in Guildford, Godalming, Farnham, Haslemere and online.
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