By Grace Parker, Counsellor at The Eaves
You know what is good for you going for walks, eating right, seeing friends but what happens when you reach 0% and self-care itself feels like a chore?
As someone who has struggled with depression, I know when these days come after a few good days, weeks even months we can feel like a complete failure. All the progress we made before feels like it has just been erased. We are sat opposite our medicine and cannot understand why our mind or body won’t let us reach out and do the things that can help us feel better.
The confusion can become self-hatred, as we feel out of control, stupid, maybe even selfish. With those around us maybe also feeling impatient – to both them, and ourselves, it feels like we’re not even trying.
When you’re already facing what feels like the impossible, the hand that reaches out to help, should be a hand we can hold even with a weak grip. There is so much “self-care” out there which is just simply not attainable for depressed people to partake in, to that I say – enough. Today I will list some bite size self-care techniques, so you’re able to show up for yourself even on your worst days.
1. Compassion, Acceptance and Curiosity
The biggest hurdle but nothing else below can be done without this step. This is when you are faced with the realisation that you are no longer “in control” (or at least it feels like it). When you know that this day is not going to go how you would like. Usually, our next thoughts are all the tasks we need to do, the people we need to show up for… a mountain starts to grow in front of you.
Stop. Take a breath. Take 3, take 8. Take as many as you need. You can do this through a guided meditation or on your own. Calming your nervous system is important – like filling your car with petrol, you won’t move without it.
Once you find yourself still and somewhat steady – picture your mind or your child self in front of you. Whichever one is more comfortable for you. With children – we see them act out all the time. We can feel frustrated with them, but we understand it’s because they are overwhelmed, overstimulated or not feeling heard – as adults, we now have the power to listen and give ourselves what we need. Because that is a huge part of what depression is – your mind and body demanding your attention. So, let’s give it attention! Either say to yourself verbally or mentally, even if in the beginning you don’t believe the words: “I’m sorry, I’m here now. What is it you need? Let’s work together.” And repeat this to yourself throughout the day whenever you feel resistance to a task or feel tempted to give in to negative self-talk. Overtime, as you ask this question more often, you’ll develop a listening ear to hear what you need. You’ll hear things like: “I need water. I need movement. I need to play” and as you develop trust with your mind and body when you do provide it with what it asks – it will be more responsive to you and depressive episodes will happen less often. All because instead of greeting it with judgement (which only makes it dig its heels in), you open your arms with compassion, acceptance, and curiosity.
2. Fresh Air
Note I’ve said Fresh Air – not a walk. Because this is again, a list for your impossibly down days. A walk is something to strive for, but if this isn’t possible for you – simply open your window and rest next to it. Taking purposeful breaths, feeling the wind on your skin, looking at the view outside – even if it’s more brick and cement. Let your eyes wander and be curious.
Check in with yourself, can you do a bit more? Think of it like a video game with saving points – the next point is your room’s door. Reached that? Great. The next maybe is your front door. There? Fab! Maybe here you feel resistance again – that’s okay. Breathe in compassion again. Maybe today it’s just your front door, but tomorrow you could go as far as your front garden? The day after the entrance to the park, then the next day your garden again – there is no set order. But as long as you’re having that conversation with yourself and feel fresh air – you are doing the work.
3. Nourishing Food
I admit this one requires a little bit of homework during your better days – food when you’re feeling down can be a very daunting task. It requires mental energy to plan what you’re eating that week, plus budgeting, diets, if you’re cooking for other people – it’s a lot! So, to look after yourself on your worst days – have the homework already laid out for you to follow, to take away the mental strain.
If you’re comfortable; talk to friends, family or even your counsellor about creating a meal plan together. This is called “body-doubling” and it’s amazing what having another person’s energy with you can do.
Create a simple meal plan (including vitamins and supplements) for the week, with staples that you’ll almost always have around the house that require minimal preparation. Be realistic – there may be days where you’re the next Gordon Ramsey, but there will certainly be days where you’ll be tempted to choose convenience over quality – so let’s make it convenient. Dark leafy greens, fish, eggs, nuts, dark chocolate are some great examples of foods that help promote feel-good hormones.
4. Connection and Community
Despite what your anxiety and depression may tell you, we are social creatures at the end of the day. We crave connection with other humans, and if we find ourselves lacking in this area it can be very impactful on our mental health. The worst thing is that when we are down – we feel this need to retreat and be further alone.
If you think of your mind telling you: “I am scared of what people may think of me, what if they judge me or I make a fool of myself or they see I’m struggling.” When you give in and stay home – you have proved your mind right; that all it’s worst fears are the reality. Which is why its so important to keep your foot on the pedal with your connections to prove it wrong.
Seeing friends doesn’t have to be a big thing – offer them to come to yours for coffee, maybe do a movie night, or go out to the cinema or a meal if that feels possible for you. You can even facetime and talk that way. Hopefully, you’ll get to a point where you can explain your fears so your friends are aware and can check in on you too.
In terms of meeting new connections – think purposefully on what type of person you’d like to be friends with – are they arty? Sporty? A Gamer? Then think about where you would meet people like this – online forums can be a great place to meet people so long as you using it safely. For the days when you are braver, plan to go to places they’re likely to be – art students go to museums to draw, you can join a sports team or join a multiplayer-verse online game. You can even volunteer for causes you care about and meet people that way. Your friends are out there, and they cannot wait to meet you!
5. Movement
We all know how important exercise is – but with depression, it can feel like your body is in cement and any type of movement is either impossible or feels painful. Social media as well is particularly bad with selling the pro-gym high-intensity life-style – which is great, but we forget there are many types of exercise out there. If the gym isn’t for you – you have other options.
Find one that either creates a sense of mindfulness or enjoyment for you so you’re more likely to keep going with it – it could be yoga, running, swimming, rock-climbing, dancing. If you’re being honest and know you’re not likely to turn up to work-out classes by relying on your own self-determination – tie it in with seeing a friend. So, you feel more obliged to turn up for them. YouTube is also a great place for online workout routines to follow at home as well.
And when you’re really feeling that resistance – put your headphones on and listen to some of your favourite high energy songs. Soon you’ll find yourself up and moving – I like to tie my movement in with my chores – two birds one stone. So, I’m dancing to Ariana Grande whilst running from one room to the next with the hoover!
6. Play
Finally, play – almost always you will be faced with a negative, criticising voice in your head that says to you you should be doing work or tending to your other responsibilities and not playing or relaxing. Bringing with it resistance, insecurity, even anxiety about the prospect of even starting in case you get it wrong.
The reality of it all is – we are born on this earth to experience life. Part of experiencing life is having fun – you are allowed to have fun, in fact, you need it to survive. When we only do our responsibilities and leave no time or energy to feed our wonder, curiosity, and joy – naturally our body rebels in frustration, screaming: “If you won’t let me have fun then we won’t work either!” Everything suffers. So please, reframe your thinking of fun from pointless or a waste of time, to productive and part of the oil that keeps everything moving.
Give yourself time, whether that’s 5 minutes in the beginning or 15 or an hour, which you properly name as “Play Time” – where you purposefully do something fun. Maybe you have a book idea you’ve been sitting on, or maybe you want to give gardening a go or knitting, painting or even colouring. A creative outlet where you are present with yourself, seeing something be born from your creativity can bring so much joy. Note – I haven’t included books or TV – as that is passive escapism. There is a space for these too, but hobbies in which you play more of a direct part in its creation have been proven to have more of an positive impact on our mental health.
So there we have it, to summarise: listen to your body, be kind, get fresh air, eat well, see friends, and play. If you can do a few of these things during your down days, you’ll most likely feel some kind of change, even if it’s just a whisper. A whisper can turn into a song, if repeated enough times. I believe in you and thank you for being with me and reaching the end. If you suffer with depression and/or anxiety and feel in need of a Counsellor to help support you, contact me today – let’s make the impossible, possible.
The Eaves Counselling and Psychology
Grace Parker, Counsellor and Psychotherapist at The Eaves, is based at our Haslemere practice. To find out more about Grace, or to enquire about her latest availability, please visit her profile here
The Eaves Counselling and Psychology Ltd is a select professional body of Counsellors, Psychotherapists and Psychologists, providing high quality psychological care Monday to Saturday between 9am and 9pm from our practices in Guildford, Godalming, Farnham, Haslemere and online.
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