By Valerie Arthur, Counsellor at The Eaves
What if ‘the time comes’ and you are unable to conceive? Or it is taking longer than expected? Fertility problems can feel stressful and isolating, impacting your personal well-being as well as your relationships with those around you. Maybe you feel like your friends are all having children, whilst you endure the seeming never-ended disappointment and heartbreak of failed efforts to conceive. Or you have been left fielding the awkward “patter of tiny feet?” comments by well-intentioned family members.
As a man or a woman, when a longed-for pregnancy doesn’t come there can be many emotional minefields to navigate. Counselling can help with this, offering a confidential and safe space to explore your own feelings of loss and sadness.
Infertility Statistics
According to NHS statistics, around 1 in 7 couples may have difficulty conceiving, which means that around 3,500,000 are affected by the issue in the UK.
The World Health Organisation suggests that approximately 17.5% of the global adult population (roughly 1 in 6) will experience infertility at some point in their lifetime (infertility defined as failure to achieve a pregnancy after 12 months or more of regular unprotected sexual intercourse).
The main causes of infertility in the UK are:
o Unexplained infertility (no identified male or female cause; 25%)
o Ovulatory disorders (25%)
o Tubal damage (20%)
o Factors in the male causing infertility (30%)
o Uterine disorders (10%)
Impact of Infertility Issues
Although improved investigations and treatments can help many individuals to overcome their fertility issues, for others the experience can result in overwhelming feelings of loneliness, frustration and anxiety.
Some common responses can include:
• Feeling angry (with yourself/ your partner/ the unjustness of life)
• Feeling different to others.
• Feeling a lack of control over your life.
• Feeling left behind- like you are missing out on a significant life stage.
• Feeling a failure or as if your body is working against you.
• Feeling incomplete or as if you have no purpose/identity.
• Feeling disconnected from your partner and other close relationships.
These experiences can be immensely distressing and talking to a counsellor can be a helpful way of sharing your personal story and giving an outlet to the powerful emotions you may be feeling.
How Counselling can Help
Wherever you are at in your fertility journey, it can be an emotional time. The cycle of hope followed by crushing disappointment can be exhausting when you are in the process of trying to conceive. Infertility treatments in themselves can take a toll on both your physical and mental wellbeing. The cumulative effects of treatment, in which emotional exhaustion from infertility vies with the continuing desire to ‘fix’ the infertility through repeated medical intervention can feel impossible to balance. It is important to look after your mental health at this time and discussing your feelings with a counsellor can help you to achieve a greater sense of personal agency in an otherwise bewildering process.
Or maybe your fertility journey has come to an end and you are feeling overwhelmed or afraid of the prospect of a future without children. This can be a period of profound loss and grief. A counsellor can assist you in processing these feelings as you begin to consider a different future and how you might live in it. The path towards healing can feel impossibly long- but it is possible and a counsellor can support you as you navigate your way through this challenging time.
Infertility remains a taboo subject within society. The notable lack of public discourse about it can heighten further the deeply personal and private sense of shame for those who are confronted with it. Having a safe space to give a voice to these feelings and to feel genuinely heard can help to make sense of the depth of your emotions. It can be a distressing time. Remember that you do not have to cope alone and you deserve to be listened to and supported.
Resources:
Infertility – NHS (www.nhs.uk)
NICE (2017). Fertility problems: assessment and treatment. National Institute for Health and Care Excellence. Overview | Fertility problems: assessment and treatment | Guidance | NICE
WHO (2023). ‘Infertility’. World Health Organisation.
The Eaves Counselling and Psychology
Valerie Arthur, Counsellor and Psychotherapist at The Eaves, is based at our Guildford practice. To find out more about Valerie, or to enquire about her latest availability, please visit her profile here
The Eaves Counselling and Psychology Ltd is a select professional body of Counsellors, Psychotherapists and Psychologists, providing high quality psychological care Monday to Saturday between 9am and 9pm from our practices in Guildford, Godalming, Farnham, Haslemere and online.
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